Even though trains are one of the oldest forms of transportation (they date back to the 1800s!) good train and railway jokes are hard to come by. We have scoured our sources to compile a list of the Top 100 Train Jokes, including train jokes for kids (including the ever popular Thomas the Train), railroad puns, train one liners, interesting railroad laws and the popular “You Might be a Railfan If…” jokes. Read on to have a good laugh and learn a joke or two to share with your friends and family.
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Kids Train Jokes
- Q: Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween?
A: They only run a skeleton service.
- Why are ghosts no good at running a railway?
A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
- Q: What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?
A: Oh good! A chew chew train!
- Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?
A: A LOCOmotive.
- Why did the train have bubble gum?
- Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
- Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through the engineers!
- What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?
- A chew-chew train
- Why are the railroad tracks angry?
- Because people are always crossing them.
- Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A: Platform shoes!
- Q: Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted?
A: Because he’s not a conductor!
- Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?
A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
- How do you find a missing train?
- Follow the tracks
- What do you call a train that sneezes?
- Achoo-choo train.
- Q: What do you call a locomotive with a cold?
A: A choo choo train.
- How can you tell a train just went by?
A. You can see it’s tracks!
- Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?
A: The locomotive told it to choo choo.
- Q: What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home?
A: He had to give it back!
- Q: What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow.
- Q: Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains?
A: Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
- Q: What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time?
A: “Choo choo!”
- Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?
A: There wouldn’t be any. It’s an electric train.
- Q: Why is that train engine humming?
A: It doesn’t know the words.
- Q: What do you call a pretend railway?
A: A play station
- Q: When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?
A: When it’s on the train.
Thomas the Train Jokes
- Q: What did Thomas say after Gordon helped him out of the mineshaft?
A: Tank you, Choo awesome.
- Q: What do you get when you cross a Thomas Train and Shakespeare?
A: Toby or not toby, that is the question!
- Q: Why is Duck not a very useful engine?
A: Because his windshield is qwacked.
Railroad Puns / Train One Liners
- If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
- A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
- A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
- I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
- Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
- I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
- Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
- I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
- Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
- I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
- I know someone who tried to runaway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
- Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
- “No, I didn’t miss my train! I just chased it out of the station because I didn’t like the look of it!”
- A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
- Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Railroad Humor and Train Jokes
- One day an engineer calls the dispatcher and asks him for the time. The dispatcher responds by asking him what road he works for… The engineer is a little upset and snaps “What difference does that make?”
“Well”, the dispatcher drawls, “if you work for the BN it’s 2 pm;
if you work for the UP it is 1400;
if you work for the NFS the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2; and
if you work for Amtrak it’s Tuesday!”
- A man was going by train from LA. to Chicago. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.
When the train reached Chicago, the man’s co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire trip.The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.
- Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.
‘The next train is in one hour,’ intoned the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Gordon had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.
‘Next one is sixty minutes from now,’ grunted the stationmaster.
An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.
‘Your parents just left you,’ said the stationmaster. ‘Why are you laughing?’
Gordon smiled, ‘They only came to see me off.’
- The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
- A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?” The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
- A train was going very, very slowly, and a group of tourists were growing increasingly impatient. Finally, when it stopped for about the hundredth time, one of the tourists got out, walked to the front of the train, and asked the train-driver, ‘can’t you go any faster?’
‘Oh, yes sir’ replied the driver, ‘but I’m not allowed to leave the train.’
- A railfan was walking along the tracks when he came across an old lantern covered with ash and dirt. When he picked up the lantern and began cleaning it, naturally, a genie suddenly appeared. “Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish,” the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineer’s hat announced.
“I thought genies always granted three wishes,” the railfan said.
“Those are the lamp and bottle guys,” the genie explained.
The train fan nodded his understanding.
“Okay then let’s have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes.”
The railfan quickly replied, “I would like a railroad built to Hawaii.”
The genie stared at the railfan and shook his head. “That’s nearly impossible,” he stated. “How about something else?”
The train fan thought a moment and said, “I wish all the Amtrak trains would run on schedule.”
The genie rolled his eyes. “About that Hawaii thing. Let’s skip sidings and go for double tracks from Honolulu to LA. I assume you want diesel power.”
- A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every time the train stopped at a station he faced many problems, as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and every time he remembered that it was because he was in the last couch. When he got down at the destination station, he told the station person that he wanted to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: “There should not be any last couch in the train. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle.
- A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 suitcases. On inquiry she found that the actual town of Jamestown was some 2 miles away from the station.
“Why did you not build the station closer to the town?” She yelled at the station master.
“Well at first, we thought the same”, said the station master, “but then, we decided to build the station near the railway line!”
- A man called a taxi company in Waterford (Sth Ireland) and said “Can you help me? I need a taxi urgently. I need to catch the 10 o’clock train to Dublin.”
The man at the other end said “Well, we are very busy at the moment but we’ll have a taxi out to you as soon as we possibly can, but don’t worry, the 10 o’clock is always late.”
The first man then said, “It certainly will be today, I’m the driver.”
- A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most Frenchman would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
“No”, I admitted.
“Then that explains”, she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”
- A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
- In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”
- One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man, “Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and I’m sure I will fall asleep. So, what I want you to do is you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here is 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up, I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say, you have to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?”
The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later, as the man had said, he did fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man, he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
“Are you stupid or something? I paid you 100 francs so you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t! I want my money back!”
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them. One turns to the other and says to him, “Look at this guy!”
The other guy replies, “Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim.”
- A passenger train is creeping slowly along. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out of the window.”Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking past again.She leans out of the window and yells “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?”
- Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?” replied the curious brother.
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
- A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. “Sir, we don’t stop at Victoria,” the collector said. “But I have to get off there!” he insisted.
“Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.””Will that work?””It’s worth a try.”As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. “Run faster! Faster!” He lowers the man and the man’s feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He’s running at 30 MPH. He’s made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement. As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he’s helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, “Man you’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even STOP in Victoria!”
- The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. seeking at him, another man said, “Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat’s whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.” The young man took a deep breath and said, “Pop, I missed this train at the last station.”
- Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process … mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.Maggie watched this closely, and after about ¼ an hour, she said, in a concerned voice, ‘Excuse me. Is anything the matter?”Oh, no,’ Roger answered. ‘It’s just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.”Why then, inquired Maggie, ‘do you keep raising your hand?”Well,’ smiled Roger, ‘that’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that joke before.’
- Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” said one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
Short Train Jokes
- Q: Why was the Model Railroader tossed out of the party?
A: He spiked the punch.
- Jack: “Did you hear about the Model Railroader whose layout got trampled by a herd of buffalo?”
Fred: “No, what’s he doing now?”
- Q: Why did the geared locomotives never marry?
A: They were the only ones never coupled
- Passenger: “How long will the next train be, will it run on time?”
Porter: “Same as usual, sir; three carriages and it will run on rails!”
- Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train guard?
A: One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
- What’s the angriest piece of track?
- A cross tie
- Did you hear that they’re making a new fuel additive out of grapes in France?
Yeah, they call it “Vin Diesel”.
- Q: Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abbreviation, “S”?
A: So that when his box car rolled by everyone would say “Hey! Look at that S car go!”
- Q: Why doesn’t anyone like to play volleyball with a track worker?
A: Because they keep spiking the ball.
- Why can’t steam engines sit down?
A. They have a tender behind!
- Why can’t trains sit down?
- They have a red caboose!
- Q: Why is the track gauge 4′ 8-1/2″ wide?
A: Because it is the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress.
- Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it doesn’t help, he punches a hole in the new one.
- An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. “Do you want to go by Buffalo?” inquired the ticket agent.
“Certainly not!” she answered indignantly, “I want to go by TRAIN!”
- Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:
“The berth rate has gone up since your last trip.”
- At a station stop, the railroad’s president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. “You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!” After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said “you couldn’t possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 mph and we never saw you go by us!”
- Said to a railroad engineer: “What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.”
The reply from the railroad engineer: “How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?”
- Q: There was a train with passengers inside. Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?
Nowhere, they are the survivors!
- Q: Why is it not safe to doze on trains?
A: Because they run over sleepers.
Interesting but Real Railroad Laws
- Texas law once said: When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing: each train shall come to a full stop and neither train shall proceed until the other has gone.
- In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train.
- Believe it or not, putting salt on a railroad track in Alabama was once punishable by death.
- In West Virginia, it was once illegal to sleep on a train.
- In South Carolina railroad companies may be held liable for scaring horses.
- When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
You might be a railfan if…
- you’ve been questioned more than once by the police asking, “What are you doing parked by the tracks?”
- the crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a “U” turn to be first in line at the grade crossing.
- when you are parked and getting ready to back out of your space you give two long blast of your horn when releasing your parking brake, three short honks before backing up, and then two honks before moving foreword.
- you time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries,
- you have a scanner in your car tuned to the train channels to have a heads up on their locations to intercept them at crossings.
- while stopped at a RR Crossing for a long train, the other drivers are swearing and shaking their fists, but you’re smiling and waving at the engineer & conductor.
- you’re in your car and you come up to a railroad crossing. The crossing lights are not flashing and no trains are coming, but you slow to a crawl and look up the track both ways in hope of seeing a train.
- you rent certain movies at the video store because you know there is a very cool train scene in it.
- you find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when you’re watching old cop shows and movies on TV.
- at gas stations you climb out the cab window and up over the back of the truck to get to the gas cap.
- you sit in front of your TV with your computer beside you and watch the screen saver of trains instead of the TV!
- you enjoy being woken up at 2:36 AM by the sound of a train passing by.
- people look at you funny as they drive by while you are standing out in the middle of nowhere by a railroad track with a tripod and a camera